Not my best work...

Some days I think that I do a mediocre, if not pretty good job, of parenting. Other days I think what was God thinking?

Having a child with special needs is not easy, really it is just tough. Alot. I know that I have it easier than some, and I also know that having a "normal" child can be tough as well. Motherhood is no easy task. I define myself as not only an advocate, but a cheerleader, a best friend, a sanctuary for both of my daughters. With Kailey, I know that I am sometimes the only one who can calm her, understand her, or even deal when she is having a meltdown. So many mothers don't have that relationship with their child and I'm fortunate to hold that role. However, today was not my best work.

I hate Cracker Barrel. I think it brings the worst out in my husband and I, and we try to avoid it. However, the girls wanted to eat breakfast out, so we went there because you get lots of food for a small price and let's face it, I'm cheap. They have the little mind teaser game on every table that you have to see how many pieces you can leave to measure your intelligence. I could have mastered the game and my intelligence level would have been questioned this morning. Conley caught on quickly and began to challenge herself each time she played. Kailey however, could not grasp the concept of the game, even after 5,450 times of me telling her. Not once did she understand why you couldn't just put the pieces wherever you wanted. Instead of simply letting her play, in my stubborness, I was determined to teach her this game. I kept pushing and explaining, to the point that my daughter was in tears of frustration and I was irritated. In 10 minutes I became part of the "processing" nightmare that my child tries to hard to overcome daily, for a stupid game. WHO DOES THAT?

At that moment, 8 years of IEP meetings, Dr's visits, late nights, prayers, pleading, loneliness, tears, all came to a head. At Cracker Barrel. Over a game that "measures" intelligence. I said I wasn't cut out for this, that God picked the wrong person for motherhood. I'm tired. Kailey's tired. I'm frustrated.

Then I stop and think that God gave her to me, on loan, just for a little while. A gift from the Father and this is what I do? I could see God just shaking His head in disappointment. Imagine if every time He was teaching us something that we never seem to get, He lost patience and became frustrated? The loving God I know would be a crazy God shooting down locusts or famine, or something far worse. That was a very humbling and embarrasing moment in my life. One I will never forget and never be proud of.

Hours later, it doesn't even phase Kailey, my first born, my child with a heart of gold, certainly it seems with a heart bigger than mine. It doesn't phase her because Zhu Zhu pets have finally entered our house, and that little battery powered rodent was told "I love you" by a sweet little girl who forgives me for being ignorant. She forgives me and she doesn't even know it, because her life isn't measured by a stupid game, it is measured by the lives she touches.

Clint says God picked the perfect person to be a mother, to be THEIR mother. I don't believe him. Not today, today wasn't my best work.