Wow, it has been a long time since I posted on my blog! I told you that I wasn't sure if I would keep up with it....
The last 6 months have been full of so many unexpected things, such as life, right? I feel like God is molding me, pushing me, stretching me, in ways only He knows is best. Our oldest daughter was diagnosed in September with a form of focal seizures in addition to all her other disabilities. This has brought upon me a greater fear than I have had since she was born. I realize that my fear is based upon the unannounced timing of these episodes she has, the inability to control one more thing for her. I sit here tonight in tears because she has struggled the last few days and I can't struggle for her, or provide the relief I know she looks for. Now, her faith that God will heal her is unwavering. Period. Mine, is a disappointing second place.
I read a blog post today from the wife of our Family Ministry Pastor whose daughter has struggled with seizures for the better part of her 14 years. She is closing in on 1 year seizure-free! Praise the Lord! She as a mother has surely asked God the same questions I have, prayed the same prayers, and cried some of the same tears. What she made me realize today is the same thing God keeps telling me and I keep covering my ears......HE IS IN CONTROL! Not me, not now, and not ever.
Her post included this, "…but this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God.” – 2 Corinthians 1:9b
How humbling to know that God is using Kailey, HIS child, to show me that I have to rely on God, in everything! She isn't mine, she is His, created by Him and FOR HIM! I think sometimes that if God were here in the flesh, He would just shake His head in disbelief and disappointment at me. I know that so often we miss God's blessings because we refuse to relinquish the "control" we think we have on our lives and those in it. I know that to be true for me anyway!
We were recently blessed with a gift that was totally unexpected. We have been praying for over a year for a particular need and I was finally to the point of complete brokenness. The night before we received this gift, I literally cried myself to sleep on my husband's arm begging God to reveal Himself in this situation. Literally, 12 hours later, our prayer was answered. Just like that. This was a gift from God, with no strings attached, from some wonderful, new people in our lives. It is one of the most amazing things we have been blessed with and we are still in awe. I was so broken, my husband so frustrated, and that was exactly where God wanted us to be. You see, Isaiah 55:8 says, "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, and My ways are not your ways". God's timing is perfect, His ways are perfect and in my selfish, control-freak mind, I just could not accept that I couldn't find a solution. But, God didn't want me to fix it, He wanted to do it in His time so that He would be glorified.. How silly to think I am greater than The Almighty?
I close this post realizing that I use this blog more often than not, as an outlet for my concerns/frustrations in raising my children, but also for a realization that in my imperfections, God's glory is revealed. I am blessed beyond measure and I don't thank God nearly enough for what He has done for me. Thank you Lord for allowing me to be called "Momma" and most of all for being called "yours".......
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